Mastur Class!

Happy 2016! I hope everyone’s holidays were epic, and that you got lots of good stuff.

There’s no better way to ring in the new year than to highlight the … um … peculiar culture that somehow got attached to our instrument. You can’t make this shit up.

Screenshot 2016-01-05 18.14.07

Hard to believe, but this mastur class is totally real β€” at least in the mind of its creator. From the master:

Only a master guitarist and master guitar teacher understand both mastery of these concepts and how to break down complex and advanced ideas into easy-to-understand lessons that you can begin to learn and use right away in your own guitar playing.

I’ve been asked to teach on this topic by students again and again over the years. So I decided to create a 4-part master class video series. In fact, people travelled from all over the world, with great anticipation, to be part of this master class while it was being filmed.

Does it really work? It sure does! πŸ™‚ When I filmed the master class, I called up several volunteers (all students of mine) to come forward and try the concepts I shared with everyone. And, as you will see for yourself on these videos, whenever any of these students implemented these specialized concepts, every woman in the room was not only paying complete attention, but all were smiling constantly. We could all see the effect it was having directly on them!

But don’t worry, this is not a bunch of childish obscene gimmicks or noises that you make with your guitar. This is about REAL guitar playing mastery! In other words, you won’t get slapped in the face when you play this way for women… but they’ll definitely feel what you are expressing in a good way!

This, apparently, is the sort of music that does the trick.

28 comments to Mastur Class!

  • Oinkus

    This guy is a moron that posts on all craiglists in every city everyday.

  • el reclusa

    uhhh…uhmmmm…what?

  • Steev

    The words work equally well in any configuration:

    Sex Master Guitar Class!
    Class Master Sex Guitar!
    Guitar Master Class Sex!
    Guitar Class Sex Master!

    Keep on expressing in a good way!

    • joe

      That’s just a matter of luck! A Walter M. Miller famously noted in A Canticle for Leibowitz, that’s what separates English from Latin. In the latter, you can invert the noun and adjective, and the meaning remains the same. In English, sometimes that’s true (as above) and sometimes it’s not, as in Miller’s example of “house cat” vs. “cat house.” πŸ™‚

      • Steev

        I visit Tonefiend for guitar-related stuff, but I keep coming back for all of the meaningful random tidbits like this. It’s probably been 20 years since I read Canticle, and brother that’s just way too long!

        • joe

          Yup, I am a pretentious git. πŸ™‚

          I haven’t read the book for at least as long. And I confess I’d forgotten where the quote was from β€” I was thinking maybe Roald Dahl. But when I Googled “slave boy cat house,” it took me right to Miller, and then I remembered.

      • Steev

        Must…resist…urge…to google… “guitar sex master class slave boy cat house”

  • Mark

    Damn! It sounds like he’s got an armadillo in his trousers… Gee,I sure wish I could wank like that.It’s no wonder I’ve been with the same woman for 25 years. masterwhat’er? “Hellooo ladies, watch me while I whip this out!” I’m in the wrong business…

    Happy new year and Thanks!
    Salude!

  • Disappointed

    First of all, this is not in defense of the Tom Hess at all. However, I will be critical of the pettiness of this post and it’s comments. I was under the impression that this blag was above such immature behavior. I’ve lost major respect for this blog.

    • joe

      Sorry to have disappointed you! But when have I ever given the impression that I’m mature?

      Seriously, though β€” while we’re having fun poking fun, this isn’t just picking on some random player out of pettiness. Tom’s bullshit marketing offends me on the deepest level. It’s dishonest and deeply disrespectful to a community of musicians I hold dear, and the degree of sexism defies belief. I’m subjecting this stuff to ridicule because it represents attitudes I hope to help destroy. And mockery tends to be a pretty effective tool for that.

      Still β€” sorry if I’ve let you down.

  • RandyE

    How could anyone NOT poke fun at this… it begs for it at every level!

  • smgear

    I like to keep my sources secret, but I did manage to secure the entire ‘syllabus’

    Course Outline: Rock Star Douchery

    Lesson 1: Compensate, then Overcompensate
    – Visit Goodwill
    – Find Spandex* and tubesocks *skinny jeans if indie or using open tunings
    – Stuff them
    – Extend straps to position guitar at crotchal region
    – Practice pivoting headstock from central axis in a blatantly suggestive manner

    Lesson 2: Perv it Up
    – Plant feet wider than is comfortable
    – Roll shoulders back
    – Thrust Pelvis out
    – Watch Nightline and practice the dead stare of predators

    Lesson 3: Different Strokes for Different Folks
    – Reference your existing muscle memory
    – ‘practice’ with a metronome

    Lesson 4: Sublimate
    – Infuse your inadequate bedroom technique with your inadequate musical technique

    Lesson 5: Associate and Reinforce
    – Take 2 minutes between every song to remind the audience how great you are
    – Make up stories about playing with great musicians
    – Make up self aggrandizing comments that the musicians (might have) said about you
    – Occasionally make inappropriate and offensive comments
    – imply that you’re just as skilled in other ways
    – Proud Pity
    – make it known that you’re currently single, but it was her fault/ or a tragic loss

    Lesson 6: Beg For It
    – Before the last song (cuz there might not be an encore), ask ‘who wants to party after the show’
    – Hang out at the bar after the gig and ask questions like “what did you like most”
    – Selectively distribute merch
    – Offer to write a song for them* *Have a song prepared in advance
    – Offer to write a song about them* *Have a song prepared in advance with a name slot at the beginning of the bridge so you can fit anything in without rhyming
    – Beg

    Follow these tips and you’ll be adored by audiences and respected by bandmates

    — Ok, even making up a relatively tame hypothetical version creeped me out. But we really do need to call these guys out from time to time because I’ve witnessed all these behaviors (and much worse) among musicians. If you don’t respect the audience, then at least respect yourself. Alternatively, if your writing and performance lack any authentic emotional content, then…. you’re doing it wrong… and probably need a therapist.

    • joe

      Epic. You could probably get that published in any guitar magazine. So funny. Thanks. πŸ™‚

      • joe

        … even though I’m often guilty of 1D, 3A, 5B, and 5C. πŸ˜‰

        • smgear

          yeah, some of my personal favorites too… I’ll give you the name of my therapist.

          Regarding the magazine, forget the above.. however, after thinking about it for a minute, perhaps you might consider writing an infrequent column for PG online under a false persona — something like Terrible Advice from an Old Roadie. I know you have a laundry list of myths, annoyances, and travesties to call people out about.. and your discerning readers here could no doubt provide you with even more material. Remember how much bad advice was given in your SD tone hunt thingy a few years ago? πŸ™‚ Anyways, it might be a useful and rather fun device for highlighting issues without seeming too preachy and judgmental… though I’m sure some people wouldn’t get the joke. Maybe writing it in interview format would allow for appropriate reaction to the bad advice. I dunno. You’re the expert. After all, Stephen Foster did call you the greatest musical mind in America.

          • smgear

            oh, and because sometimes I forget to write the things I’m thinking, i just want to clarify that I was thinking that the old roadie would be espousing all those conventions and habits that we hate. – encouraging guitarists to change their amp settings between soundcheck and the gig, how great it is to take over someone’s solo, how to let the audience know how gifted you are, reminiscing about the good old days when you could objectify women in your videos, stage show, advertising, etc. Actually, I would love for him to write an article praising those guitar manufacturers who still use models in bikinis holding guitars. The more of a bastard you can make him, the greater the effect will be when he praises the offending companies. Although, that would lose PG advertisers. Which is fine by me, but they might not be keen. Maybe just do it here πŸ™‚

  • Oinkus

    And it finally shows up again! Most musicians will never ‘make it’ in the music business. Why? It’s not because they lack musical talent, it’s because they are clueless about what it takes to build a successful career in the music industry. I know. I’ve done it, I’ve lived it and I’m currently doing it and living it.

    If you are serious about your music and COMMITTED to building music career then read this: The 7 Major Things All Musicians Must Understand About Music Career Development, Making Their Own Opportunities And Getting The Competitive Advantage!

    Click this link: http://norfolkmusic.tomhess.net/MusicCareer.aspx

    …But if you are not TRULY serious about a music career, exit this page… the link is not for you! BS from a serious wanker kids , beware the Mastur !

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